once again....

Finding myself in that freaking pit of sorrow again today. wtf!?

I hope that I can get over this shat soon.

On a funnier note, I wrote a fake letter to my retarded ex-boyfriend last night when I was particularly pissed, and it makes me laugh now. Haha...didn't know I could use such foul language in such a poetic way.

I know it is SOOOOO dumb...but I still just want him to come crawling back to me. I must LITERALLY be insane. Like....I KNOW I shouldn't... yet I still do? Isn't that the definition of insane or something?

Anyways....I just feel like getting wasted. I know thats wrong too...but I still do...? WTF SARAH!

Sometimes it just feels good to get that out there....into the abyss of the internet....where thousands or none could be reading it...be completely honest with the faces I will never see....or if I do see them I won't recognize them....

I know not being "in-love" after only 6 months of dating is really not the ideal, and I'd rather have the man that wants to be with me have those in love feelings for longer than that, but I mean, those feelings are bound to fade anyways. I'm prepared for that. Thats where commitment and stuff are involved. The honeymoon ends, but its no reason to get a divorce. With the next idiot he dates he is going to run out of "in-love" feelings too...and wonder what is wrong with him. Pure stupidity- thats what.

GRRRRRRRRRRRRR!

I'm not gorgeous...

But at least I'm not at WHORE!!!

That really has nothing with what I want to talk about today hahahaha. I just thought of that randomly and I thought I was quite witty and funny so I put that. Looking at it now, it really isn't that funny. Oh well, ya win some, you lose some. Anyways I have the great joy of informing all the hundreds of people that read this that I will be moving into a new townhouse tomorrow, and might I add, it is so much more of an upgrade from this house, you could not even fathom it. It is so nice. Probably the nicest house I will ever live in. Possibly. ;)

I am glad to leave this place after all the trash with Brownstone that I have dealt with, plus there are these creepy things called spider crickets that have like, infested our house, and they really freak us out! haha!

Our new landlord is the BOMB dot com. Sweetest southern lady ever. She is the type of southerner that I could actually live with........

Well, I feel like I'm doing like, a good 63% better in the emotional department after my breakup with my first love. THANK THE LORD. I hope I continue to get better, and I'm sure I will...unless he sticks his freaking head back into my life some way and tries to F my life up all over again!!! I don't think I would be in a good place right now if this breakup was not long distance. At least for now I can pretty much completely cut him out of my life. I still have reminders of him...like old roommates of his that I have never even met, randomly showing up at my work and knowing my coworkers...awkward for me! haha...and another brief roommate of his just got engaged....FML. I mean really. I'm not even going to this play tomorrow with all my friends because its all the theater people at LU that are putting it on and....they know him and maybe know of me...and I just can't deal with that.....yet. God will make this all work for me...I just have to remind myself of that.

Brokenhearted people: Christ shall heal you! He really will. He is healing me...and has healed me from other horrible hurts, so I can't limit Him, thinking he won't heal me from this one hurt....and neither should YOU!!! :)

Peace and love and if you even listen to my rambling...thanks! :)

Lucille

Death will be easy after this SHAT

Everything is written about love and broken hearts and feelings and emotion. I can freaking understand why now. I have never felt more like an insane person with all the conflicting emotions I have been experiencing within the last couple of days. My boyfriend and I broke up over a month ago, but I think it was really set in stone that we weren't going to eventually get back together when we talked 4 days ago. I sobbed uncontrollably, and now I just cry for a minute or so ever so often. This freaking sucks. I hate this. And I mean HATE. I think that it would be easier if he had just died. I know that sounds crazy, and I probably won't feel this way for very long, but at the moment, yes, this is how I feel. I KNOW its crazy but its almost like I wish something horrible would happen to me because that is the only way he would get his ASS in gear and actually see me again. I wish this had never even happened to me. Its the worst thing EVER.

Its not your fault...

If someone tells you that you that they love you and want to spend the rest of their life with you, then tells you six months down the road that when they said that, they had doubts in their mind about what they were actually saying WHEN they said it, and then proceed to break up with you...its not your fault. That action, no matter what they try to candy-coat it as, would be called lying, and one can only have so much intuition regarding seeing through a lie when someone is consistently lying to your face and is an apparently excellent actor. :)

God has amazing plans, and although we do not get them when the hurt makes you want to rip out your heart and throw the bloody mess at the one who has wounded you, it IS for the better. You can look at the broken mess that your life is, and realize, "HEY! I can't fix this!" and you let the one who knows how to put it back together again take it up and make it better...the best.

Why sanitize?

I have been careful...using Purell and GermX...but here I am....lying in my bed wondering if I should punch myself in the throat to numb the pain...? Does the killing of bacteria make me more vulnerable? Because this is freaking ridiculous...been here like a month and a half and I jumped RIGHT on that sickness bandwagon. WTF.

Overused

I will call my unborn child any type of a nut besides a peanut. Future quote: "I wonder if my lil cashew will be a boy or girl." Please follow suit and break the cycle. Thank you.

continuation...

I will not be knocked up or have a crappy ring when I get hitched...two things that are just not going to happen in my life. I will make SURE of it!!! I know I said in my last post that I would stop...but I cannot! PEOPLE! LISTEN! If you can't afford a nice ring, at least HALF a carat, then you should just not get married. Stuff that comes up in your marriage will cost way more and if you can't afford the ring at least...you won't be able to afford LIFE! So don't do it dang it!!!

WHY!!!

Ok, so I just was wondering why some guys are such douchebags. I mean really. COME ON! AND I was also wondering why so many people I know are getting knocked up! I don't understand it!!! People from good homes, and good families...KNOCKED UP...people from crappy homes, crappy situations and families who should KNOW BETTER...knocked up. Am I being judgemental? Yes...and I should stop. I'm............sorry.

Long distance

Its been a while peops. I am sorry. haha

Well...I am dating Othon the guy that I was in the short film with! haha..funny how that all comes about now isn't it. Of course I will go into more detail in a different post, but for now, what I would like to share is simply this: Long distance relationships suck your very life away. You must be of VERY strong heart to endure it. Pray for me as I continue in this relationship, without even knowing the next time I will see my sweetie. 3 weeks? 8 months? Yeah.........kill me.

drugs and alchohol!!!

Ahhh....the bliss of life when a child is under the care of a parent controlled by mind altering substances!

Sure the child is only five years old, but he can most definitely deal with the problems that come with hung-over parents!

Never getting attention will not affect them in the long run...they will just be able to interact with their peers a whole lot better than all those other children!

Contrary to what most think, they will not develop the habits their parents have, and will be good upstanding citizens, who become loving parents and have fulfilling relationships!

Silly statistics!

Kids LOVE it when they get to ride with the social workers to their foster homes!

The treatment is about the same in most cases, but they get to have other brothers and sisters too!

Fun, fun, fun!!! 

Directions and JESUS

So I had the most wonderful spring break with friends in Daytona Beach and Ft. Lauderdale, FL a few weeks ago.  It was a great drive surprisingly, even though it was 14 hours one way, ha!  Lately I've been filming the trailer for my friend Phillipe's movie that he wrote for his Grad Thesis.  The guys I've been acting with are so great too.  One of them actually gets to use the finished trailer as his Senior Project, so its all very exciting.  After only one session of filming, I fell in love with the whole process.  I don't consider myself a good actor, but it was still so fun!  It has really made me reconsider the plans I have for my life.  Which is probably good, because even though the career goals I set in my mind were not bad, and I would probably enjoy that field of work, it may not be the BEST that I could have.  

Isn't it so crazy how one thing can just change the direction of your life forever?  Being involved with performing in front of 5,000 LU students has fanned the small flame of passion I had for entertainment now into a burning fire ball!  I am performing again tomorrow night, and I am so excited.  Playing in Coffeehouse was some of the best fun I had ever had.  Now being in a short trailer for a film is just widening my vision for opportunity in this world.  I don't know if this all makes sense, but I feel that opportunities are coming to me that would not have come my way if I were not supposed to be involved in this field in some way.  I don't know...I guess I will just wait on the Lord and His direction...while still pursing the things that I love in the present.  AND...I am going to start doing what I want to do...not in like, the rebellious way, but in the, "hey I want to go and talk to that person...so I'm going to!" way.  I'm going to live life without regretting.  Its a new leaf.  I know that it is March and most people make these kind of decisions for January 1st, but thats obviously not how I roll.

If you know Christ, please just pray for me and my life in general...that in whatever path I end up on, I will first and foremost bring glory to Jesus!  If you do not know him and his amazing, powerful grace even given to the worst offenders....that you can POSSIBLY think of....He loves YOU. He took the punishment for everything YOU have done wrong by dying a criminals death, even though he NEVER DID ONE THING WRONG.  YOU can know FREEDOM!  "For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only son that whoever believes in Him shall not perish but have eternal life." John 3:16...(in the Bible).  God isn't watching you, waiting for you to do something wrong...he LOVES you and is FREELY offering you freedom from the chains of sin! In the next verse Jesus says, "For God did not send his son into the world to condemn the world, but to save the world through him." John 3:17.  Jesus says if you believe, you will be saved!  Let Jesus surprise you with his love and forgiveness! :)

Its official...I'm a night owl.

Its 5:20 AM and I am WIDE awake.  I am studying for nothing...there is no pressing matter on my mind...I'm not stressed out and wondering how I am going to pay for school....I am just...awake.  Is it that I am a night person...or do I just like having alone time?  I don't know.  Despite my ignorance of why I am awake, I have had a quite productive "evening".  For starters, I fixed some really ugly shoes and made them oh-so-cute but just removing a strap on the top.  Next I fixed this skirt that just happened to be EIGHT sizes too big, and made it wearable on this bony bod.  I cleaned, and I even experimented with smokey eye makeup!  (By the way...there is a reason I don't wear eye shadow...can you say scary? SCARY.)  

I am out of my angel hair pasta so I've been forced to break into the canned soups I have.  Here are some deep thoughts...eating canned soup is like wearing my old clothes.  I own a TON of shirts, many that I have had for a very, very long time.  When I purchased these, I liked them.  I wore them and they had their time.  But now, after two or three years, they are beginning to look a little misshapen. They are still wearable, its just...ya know...eh.  The same with my soup.  When I bought the soup, I was still on very high prescription pain medication following my a-kicking of a surgery, and soup was the only thing that I could actually get down (maybe because it didn't require CHEWING).  But now, I am better, and things that I can rip my incisors into like steak and oh, I don't know...Port of Subs sandwiches are the things that make my heart beat a little bit faster and sound so very appetizing.  But alas...I am in college and money runs out fast.  So I am stuck with the "back-ups" food.  Like when my favorite shirts are dirty...I have to break out the "back-ups" shirts.  UGH soup and shirts!

Who knows? Maybe the economy will recover, I will get a decent job, and I can buy clothes AND food that I like....and my back ups will still be things I like.  Oh to dream.  Speaking of dreaming, I think I shall try and slumber now.  I'm sure that ridiculous metaphor of food and clothes will make no sense when I reread it tomorrow.  So I apologize...and goodnight...ish.

All this was VERY unexpected! :) God is so Good! AND FUNNY.

I thought this day would turn out to be very crappy, but it was actually WONDERFUL.  I thought it would be bad because the stress of today started last night when I saw that I was being charged 100$ in overdraft fees from my bank in California.  I scrolled down to the bottom of the screen and saw the customer service number which read "Call 24/7!".  I was about to grab my phone, call them and rip them a new one, but then I realized, "Oh yeah! You don't have a freaking phone yet.  AND your roommates are both asleep. GREAT."  After some mild cussing and AIM messages (all in Caps Lock to show my frustration), I went to bed, slightly overwhelmed at my lack of control in the situation.  Today at work I was able to borrow a friend's phone and call to get the situation taken care of.   Let me tell you, I was ready to pull out all my guns (verbally, of course) and get what I wanted...even if I had to talk to the CEO, I was not paying those extra fees because I needed a 1$ McChicken.  Oh NO.  Anyways, the first person I talked with was giving me the whole, "Oh, I'm sorry we can't do that" line...but I didn't budge, and without me even having to ask, she transferred me to her supervisor "as a courtesy." HA! But to my surprise, the supervisor looked at my account for about five seconds and said, "Sure we will be able to remove those for you!" and I was so thankful! In shock that it was so simple, but so VERY thankful.

The next great thing that happened was I got my new phone in today and the software is updated and it is GORGEOUS!  I finally feel like I have a connection to the world besides Instant Messenger!  It is such a relief having this medium of communication back in my life! 

Another great thing is that the power locks on my car randomly started working again! WOO!

And finally, one of the greatest honors and the cherry on top of my sundae of a day was that a coworker of mine who is writing a movie for his grad school thesis is filming the movie's trailer and wants me to be one of the actors in it!    That is such an honor!  I've never been asked to do anything so exciting.  

So Its been one of the best days ever....I guess you can't judge a day by the evening prior to it...kind of like how you can't judge a book by its cover...? Yes? No? Maybe? :) 

A good afternoon...and dreams of a better tomorrow...quite literally.

I sit eating Cracked Pepper & Olive Oil Triscuits with Garden Vegetable Cream Cheese and drinking a ice cold Dr. Pepper (from a can of course) in my immaculate room and I realize afternoons like this come few and far between.  Usually I am doing what I hate, which as we all know now is studying.  I have few assignments due this week, and only one more test of subject matter that won't make a whims difference in my life! YES!

 It is just such a freeing feeling with a break peeking one eye over the horizon.  Although the plans my friends and I have for spring break aren't set in stone yet as to where we are going to actually stay, we are positively going down to southern Florida in less than one week!  How glorious it will be...basking in the sunlight, drinking frilly drinks, flirting with the waiters...much different from last year's escapades.  We foolishly thought that Myrtle Beach, South Carolina would bring us the same heat and enjoyable beach time as Florida.  We were UTTERLY mistaken.  Although our hotel, or condo I should say, was beautiful and had an amazing view, there were gusts of wind that rivaled F2 tornados.  And although we ran and hid, the rain bullets sought us out and shot at us from every imaginable angle like an AK47...all while we ran in our high heels and short little dresses from building to building seeking out shelter!  

This year, we vowed it would be different.  Personally, I made a pact with myself that I would be leaving for Florida whether anyone else was or not.  Winter was the most depressing time for me last year and I knew that if I don't get sunlight and warmth this year that I would gaily skip up to death's door and pound  with all my might for the reaper to let me in.

So to sum up, I am having a good afternoon.  Eating a wonderful little snack and dreaming of the sunburn and tan lines that will be inevitable in a few days is making me have the same type of giddy feeling I felt when I met Jars of Clay at Spirit West Coast '08...and believe me that kind of excitement is hard to come by.

Eating Post

I have the Safari web browser on my computer so I can add "bookmarks" at the top of the screen. I added this site on the "create a new blog" page, and my computer automatically shortens the name.  The name of the bookmark reads, "Blogger:...ate Post".   Somehow makes me hungry.

I was up till four this morning.  Don't you just want to scream when your brain doesn't shut off when you want it to?  I swear I'm more of a genius every time I have insomniac tendencies because I literally think of EVERY POSSIBLE THING.  I think of all the things that are IN THE WHOLE WORLD.  Then the next day, because I used my brain too much the night before, have absolutely no thoughts at all, and appear dull and ignorant.  If only we could switch these habits up...

Given the fact that I had wonderful, deep, and invigorating thoughts last night, you can expect an additional post this afternoon.  I know all of you are simply DYING to read it.  Until then, please drive safe and have a pleasant rest of the day!

Sincerely,

a VERY tired girl.

Its my own personal epidemic...?

I really, and I mean REALLY dislike studying.  Going to class, eh, thats fine...sitting in a lecture for an hour and half, no big deal.  But cracking open those books to study for an exam over what I sat there in class learning is like repeatedly punching me in the face.  

Oh procrastination...you take oh so many forms.  Some of my favorites are: eating, taking a walk, playing my guitar, attempting to write a funny song (though I fail nearly every time), Facebook, Twitter, and on the rare occasion, Myspace, which I usually thoroughly detest.  And now, my newest roadblock on the highway of success in life, BLOGGER!  As I become a more efficient writer and get all my ingenious thoughts out for all of the world to see, I become what some call a "slacker".  

All this honest writing is convicting me.  Darn! Now I have to go study about communication theories and become all that I can be...and one day enter "real life" and become yet another individual who finds out it really DOES take more than just a bachelor's degree to make anything of yourself.   And my family wonders why I'm not more motivated?

Sincerely, 

"the glass is half-empty" girl

Tomorrow Will Rule

This is my first blog.  I really don't have anything very interesting to say besides classes are cancelled at my University tomorrow due to weather!  It is a very exciting day in Lynchburg, VA.  Not only do we get a three day weekend, but the entire town is covered in a gorgeous blanket of white...which makes for beautiful walks and, my favorite, SNOW BALL FIGHTS!