Letting go is such a difficult process, but once it is done...it gets easier. The initial letting go I think is definitely the hardest. And then the next day we must do it all over again...and then again the next, and the next...until you wake up and the thing you were imprisoned by is no longer the first thought that comes to your mind...and you think and dwell on it less and less....

Eventually the cuts will heal and you will be better because of them...but while that wound is closing, you think you are going to die it hurts so much, and it may take months or years for it to completely heal, but not giving up on tending the wound properly is what is going to make you better.

Big Changes

Some big changes are happening in my life and I am excited! Pray for me! Thanks!!!!!! :)

I was going to put this as a facebook status, but...I can elaborate on here

I am coming across many pictures of people I went to high school with or even elementary school with and they look just like pictures of my alcoholic father when he was our age. Does history repeat itself? I submit that YES it does, so...get a job. Stop being dirty. Take a shower and don't bath in Budweiser. Take my advice or ruin countless lives including your own. Thanks.

[stepping off soapbox now]

Ugh the HUMANITY of me!

I have a slight feeling of hopelessness...a quiet but nagging thought that I could just lose everything. Its very frustrating because, I have a hope in Christ that all things work together for good for those who love Him, so even if this did happen, it would all work out for me. I've had these times before, but they didn't seem as hopeless because I was younger. Not that I'm all that old, but with only a year to graduate, I get overwhelmed with feelings of fear...fear that I won't succeed, that I won't be good at what I want to do, that I will never be out of debt, that I will never find rest, that I will never be actually happy and content.

I think these times happen when I think God is providing in one way, and I rejoice, but then find out that things aren't working out at all and I feel like God is letting me down. From this, I go into thoughts of worse scenarios that I could possibly find myself in, and become fearful and depressed. What SHOULD happen is more trust in God, but it usually takes me multiple freak outs before that step of faith actually happens. It makes me so dang MAD!

Thoughts?

The ghetto...is to soften the anger...somehow it works!

If you don't want to freakin be wit me, and you tell me that you think its best for the both of us that we don't speak, why you go be TEXTIN me?! Idiot! I go as ghetto on your A as imma typin if you keep that up boy! I didn't txt you when my gpa died cuz im STRONG and didn't want to make things worse...but there you go...takin somethin as meaningless to you as my birthday as an excuse to try and make contact...BOY?!!! Have you gone outside your HEAD?!! I dont want to think about you...hear about you...THINK about you. When I do, THATS when we will talk. This aint up to you you clod of DIRT!!! I'm the one who got burned here....so don't be TRYIN to act like its allll good when I tried to make things right, but you refused because it wasn't yourrrr way! PSH I will make your BACKSIDE RAWHIDE, B! For thinkin you know soooo much 'bout relationships 'n shi you are reHEEELy wrong! At least stick to the plan YOU came up wit FOOL! You tryin to make yourself feel soooo great by sendin me a text...psh...u a selfish peice-o-crap! How 'bout thinkin bout how I feel the next time you try an do sumthin to make yourself feel good bout yourself. Hmm.

Tryin to keep that foot in the door is LOW. LOW LOW LOW!!! You wanted it over...and I know its diff-cult fo u to stick to ur desizuns...but if you really want waz best...don't ever speak to me again!

(Then I bust a CAP in the ceiling! to show I'm seriUUUSSSSS!!!)

Princess Lea...wait no...SARAH!!!

"Oh ok..." you say as you roll your eyes and read the title of this note, "...another Women's Ministry-esque note by a girl who wants to say you're God's Princess...." and blah blah blah. Well I am here to say a few things and they may or may not have the undertone of a strictly women's class, BUT thats why this is a blog and I can do whatever the crap I want! I shamelessly make fun the Religion Degree's emphasis of Women's Ministry, but alas, this does not negate the fact that I, despite my incessant mockery, am a woman…and what the women in this department are learning and applying in churches will uplift me and other women in a way that “co-ed” fellowship never will be able to. I love those girls, and I really don’t think seriously any of the things that I sing. Its like racism. Well, no its not, but stereotyping, YES! And if I am going to stereotype anyone, I think the best bet for me is to do so to those who I highly doubt would be the type to retaliate with vengeance…but that too is a stereotype. Crap. Oh well. ANYWAYS…HUGE FREAKIN EXPLANATION for no reason really at all.

So there is this thing going around Facebook right now where you type your first name into Urbandictionary.com and write down the first definition that comes up. I have long known that the name “Sarah” is Hebrew for Princess (and I’m sure you were all wondering, but yes, I would read all about Sarai-Sarah because it made me feel special that my name was in the Bible, haha). Even after years of seeing my name and its real meaning on little bookmarks at bookstores and on coffee mugs at gas stations, I still typed in my name to see what would come up on this website. I had a momentary lapse in memory and figured something super ghetto would come up like, “Sarah: the type of woman that rips your heart out and eats it for breakfast. Beware of dem chicks” or something. But surprisingly, the Urban dictionary was QUITE accurate.

“The name "Sarah" is translated from the Hebrew language. It means "Princess"...and rightly so!” –Urbandictionary.com. Why is this so touching to me today? I have KNOWN that this is what my name means for YEARS, but I really took it to heart just now. I have felt so BLAH and CRAPPY lately, very UNROYAL. Any thought of me being in a position of honor has just not been something I’ve thought about. Its been more, “Ugh, do I HAVE to get out of bed and be alive and see people today? Crap.” As well as, “Alright…just get through the day and you can get back into your cozy, never-let-you-down bed of wonders. Oh yeah….that memory foam mattress topper feels better than any warm hug from a friend.” So pitiful, right? Amazing how my very NAME means princess, yet I’ve been sitting in a dungeon of unending DESPAIR!

I ALWAYS complain about how freaking common my name is. I’m like, “Way to go MOM! Pick the most common name in the universe and give it to your precious, unique, first and ONLY daughter…your very own bundle of joy and the best you could come up with was SARAH?!” Why do you think I have my middle name on display? It makes me feel unique! Haha. But in spite of all my complaining, I am POSITIVE that I was given this name because in some still, small voice, even before my mother was saved, God whispered to her that I should be called by this name. With this name, every time someone speaks to me and calls me by name, it is a reminder of how God views me. At least it SHOULD be, but I forget so easily. SO EASILY!!!! When I “remember” my worth and status with the meaning of my name again after not thinking about it for a long time, I yell to myself in my brain, “WHAT THE HECK SARAH!” God knows that I need to be reminded that I am a princess.

I am sighing in contentment right now…don’t you just love when you figure something out that you never knew before? Something so intricately designed, there is like, no other explanation than a force greater than anything man could be in control over? My mother or any other person in that hospital could not have known that I would need this name...it cannot be explained away by mere coincidence. I have a NEW GREAT APPRECIATION FOR MY NAME! And I cannot WAIT for my new one in heaven if I am JUST figuring out the deep meaning for me of the one that was chosen by people who weren’t the ones to form my inmost being and already know everything about me. Wow. WOWWW!!!

ITS A NEW YEAR!!!

No more depression!!! I will rise above with the help of GOD....I can feel this year is going to be BOMB. Thats right. BOMB DIGGITY. I've been in a dark cloud for 3 months, but it is lifting. I don't want to be in Lynchburg...but I know I need to finish what I've started. I will be home or where I am supposed to be soon. And I am excited to be done in a year and half and to see what changes will come with them! :)